Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Darth Vader! - Updated with Commentary

A man posing as Darth Vader attacked a Star Wars fan who had founded a Jedi Church, a court has heard.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, from Holyhead, Anglesey, admitted assaulting Barney Jones and cousin Michael with a metal crutch. They suffered minor injuries.

Hughes, who was drunk and dressed in a black bin bag, shouted "Darth Vader!"

Earlier, when Hughes failed to arrive on time, District Judge Andrew Shaw issued an arrest warrant, adding: "I hope the force will soon be with him."

In the event, Hughes turned up and the case at Holyhead Magistrates' Court resumed.

The court heard that he had jumped over a garden wall wearing the bin bag before the attack.

Prosecutor Nia Lloyd said Barney Jones had recently started the Jedi Church in Holyhead, in honour of the good knights from Star Wars.

It had about 30 members locally and "thousands worldwide," she said.

The cousins had been filming themselves playing with light sabres in the garden before the attack.

Hughes admitted two charges of common assault.

The court was told he had a "chronic alcohol problem" and had drunk the best part of a 10-litre box of wine.

Mrs Lloyd said: "He was wearing a black bin bag and a cape and had a metal crutch in his hand."

Hughes hit Barney Jones over the head with the crutch, leaving him with a headache, before laughing and hitting Michael Jones in the thigh, causing bruising.
The court heard that Hughes could not remember the incident

Both men were left upset by the incident and they believed it was pre-planned.

She added that the pair believed "very strongly in the church and their religion".

Hughes could not remember the incident and only realised what had happened when he read about it in local newspapers, the court was told.

Defending, Frances Jones, said alcohol was "ruining his life" and he had no idea where he got the crutch from.

The court heard that Hughes had previous convictions, including affray, assault and disorderly behaviour.

The judge warned Hughes that jail remained a possibility, before adjourning for pre-sentence reports until 13 May.

edited to add commentary:

I had posted this and didn't leave any comments but honestly the more I thought about it the more I really wanted to point out a few things that change this from simply an amusing news story to one of the better stories I've read in recent times.

The first thing to point out is just how wonderful it was that the two members of the Church of the Jedi were out in the yard with a friend of theirs video-taping their lightsaber battle. Wow. I mean, this is how they spend their afternoons.

Second thing is that the Drunken Darth Vader was actually drunk on boxed wine! Out of all the beverages this Sith Lord of the Soccor Thugs could be drunk on the only one funnier than boxed wine would have been Zima.

Finally, I enjoy the Jedi's assertion that the attack was pre-planned. Persecution complex much?

Something tells me it actually went down like this:

Step one: Darth gets drunk on boxed wine
Step two: Stumble across two guys playing lightsabre in the yard while their buddy video-tapes
Step three: Wouldn't it be funny to dress up like Darth Vader and pound the Jedis asses?
Step four (an easy step): Find a garbage bag for a cape
Step five (this step is tougher): Find an appropriate light sabre. Hmm, this random crutch should do the trick
Step six: Initiate the attack

Now I could be wrong and perhaps Darth spent months analyzing the complex perimeter defenses of the Jedi Temple looking for the week spot. A team of imperial spies eventually cracked the defenses when they discovered the garden fence was short enough to allow Darth (using his force powers, no doubt) to leap over it and instigate his decimation.

Of course right now the Jedis may feel safe, but really this is just like the final moment in the original Star Wars when Darth's Tie Fighter goes into a spiral. He is out of this battle but not defeated. Darth will never be defeated!!

1 comment:

gristle said...

Nevermind the fact that they started a church devoted to fictional characters. Quite reminiscent of Goreans, or Scientology, I think.

It's too bad they didn't investigate into where the crutch came from.